When I get asked out by a creepy library patron, my default response is to say that I have a boyfriend. Even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I would probably say that because it seems to be the only way to tell an inappropriate and usually far too old man that not only are you not interested, but you have something else going on in that area of your life already. The problem is, every time I say it, I feel frustrated with myself and think that there must be an equally good way to tell a gross old man to fuck off, without feeling anti-feminist.
In the case of the gentleman (16 years older than me, looks homeless but may not be) who presented me with a single pink rose on Valentine’s Day that he obviously bought at CVS and asked, “Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?” I wanted to say “No, I would not.” I mentally wrestled with myself before I answered him and sighed heavily before finally saying, “I have a boyfriend.”
Somehow, it seems more rude to reject them outright without having a valid (in their eyes) reason. Just saying, “No I don’t want to have coffee with you” is like me rejecting them as a person even though in actuality I can think of about a million things I would rather do than even be next to these men in the line at Dunkin Donuts. I do reject them as people because I know that we would have nothing in common, I’m not interested in the slightest, and I’m not accepting new friends at this point in my life.
Unfortunately, playing the boyfriend card on my previous library stalker didn’t deter him from spending far too much time trapping me in conversation, giving me his phone number and writing a letter to my boss about my exceptional customer service that prompted her to ask me ‘Who is this guy?” So even my go-to doesn’t even work as well as it should.
Perhaps what I need is to just stop thinking of these guys as people and just be rude to them. How do other ladies deal with unwanted advances? Is there a magic phrase, or is it case-by-case? My stunt ring may have worked at my other job, but I haven’t worn it yet at my new places, and really am sick of having to take that tactic.
These are my words, man 
12 comments
Comments feed for this article
February 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm
Bonnie
I don’t think it’s rude to say “I’m sorry, no.” and just leave it at that. I’ve had to say that and be blunt (which isn’t rude) and then rude, if pushed – because honestly, I’ve been situations where I really didn’t feel safe saying “I’m sorry, I’m a lesbian”. Even when people ask “Do you have a boyfriend”. I’ve had to say “I’m sorry, I’m at work and that’s none of your business.”
Not rude. Totally reasonable. We shouldn’t have to be “on call” to have to answer about our personal lives all the time, and definitely not at work.
February 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm
Allison W. Cone
Hmm…well, one viable option when it’s a patron (or co-worker) is:
“That would be an ethics violation and would put my continued employment here in jeopardy.”
The ethics violation my simply be your own ethics not an actual mandate from your employer – saying “an ethics violation” isn’t a lie if going out with the person violates your person ethics (which include personal taste).
Also, the concept of accepting the invitation possibly putting your “continued employment in jeopardy” – well, that may be a bit more of a stretch but if for even a nanosecond the thought that you’d rather lose your job than go out with them – that justifies it.
If you want to throw them a bone, you could preface the refusal with “While appreciate the offer…”
February 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Melanie Makin
I’d be careful with that one, Allison; the overeager may interpret that to mean “Oh, I’d love to, but my employer won’t allow it. Stupid workplace policy.” I never really found a way around this issue myself; despite having both a (real) engagement and wedding ring I still found myself asked out by the clueless. A confident but kind “No, thank you” may be the way to go- you’ve rejected the advance, but are still more than pleased to serve them in your professional capacity exactly as before.
I wonder who these people are doing the asking, as well. Usually the overly persistent ones, in my experience, had mental disabilities (when told that I’m married, one of them replied “That’s ok, I’m not jealous”), and I took this as a bit of license to be very firm to be absolutely sure I was understood. Polite and kind is best if possible, but there are times when it’s completely ok to say “This is not ok and I’m not going to have this conversation with you.”
February 16, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Amanda
I have to admit that I have resorted to using the “I’ll have to ask my husband” card several times. Usually at auto shops when my perfectly valid question or response is not being taken seriously. It is slightly frustrating, though.
February 16, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Spygirl7
“No, thank you.”
Sometimes I think we try to overthink these things. It is a yes-or-no question, after all.
February 16, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Thom
I don’t see how it’s disrespectful of a person to directly and politely state a lack of interest in them.
February 16, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Prudence
I haven’t been asked out in a long time, by any patron, creepy or not. Once you get past a certain age that ceases to be a problem. Please remember that we all get creepy eventually, but we don’t always see ourselves that way. You can never go wrong with kindness.
February 16, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Nate
You could just immediately pepper-spray them in the face. Sure, it’s rude and over-the-top, but they’ll get the message right away.
February 24, 2012 at 4:49 am
Annabelle
Thankfully, I’ve never been outright asked out at work (knock on wood). When things get creepy, my co-workers and I have a plan where someone phones from the back room, so I have to get on with my tasks and the creepy person can just excuse themselves.
That being said, I’ve been propositioned walking down the street a few times and the “I have a boyfriend” thing works perfectly to send them on their way. It’s not anti-feminist, I don’t think, just effective (whether it’s true or not).
April 19, 2012 at 9:20 pm
Lucy
I’ve had this issue too in the library. I politely declined and also hastily added that I had a boyfriend (which is only a “sort of” lie) but I hated having to make an excuse to validate my “no”. Why do women have to give an excuse?
December 25, 2014 at 3:17 pm
Kate
Prudence? Yes, all us get old and lose our youthful appeal, if we are fortunate to live tht long, but these old goats are hitting on women far too young for them because they are porn addicted, think they are entitled to young flesh and actually despise women your/their age, and are self-centered. Because they want the object of their desires, they feel entitled to get her and will demonstrate a rugged determination to get her…..
I find that creeps tend to approach when you look insecure and vulnerable. The reason? They think they have a better chance with a nice, vulnerable, unassuming gal than aan arrogant, confident, stylish woman. Oddly, the days when I Am dressed in sweats with my hair in pony tail no make up, the creeps make a bee line for me….
When I am dressed up and confident, they treat me respectfully and generally let me go about my day without incident. Those who do approach, engage civily and respectfully.
My thought is that you are seen as easy pickings for menw ith low self esteem. THey think they have a chance or that you will get them down easy and not hurt their poor, precious feelings.
Through a lifetyle of dealing with creeps like this, I have found that even giving them the slightest bit of encouragement creats all sorts of problems later. If you give them your name, they think they know you and have an in and will build on it. Any additional information, given them leverage and something around which to buildf a relationship in thier mind… Their persistence knows no bounds….Then when the inevtiably find out you are not interested, they will retaliate, get nasty, make a scene, stalk, etc….
My advice is: nip it in the bud.
If they ask you for a date while you are working at hte library, either get strong, stony within yourself — and ignore the question while remaining polite and professional. If they ask again, say, “Is there anything else I can help you with?” Never even acknowledge the date line, be firm, professional and let them go: “If that is all, I hope you have a nice day.”
The “I have a boyfriend”: line is still a line. Men read the “how to pick up women” blogs online with stupid advice columsn advising them to ask 100 women hoping to get one bite…and to try the quiet librarian….start somewhere to work up their confidence.
You have no reason to feel guilty or concerned about hurting thier feelings as more times than not they don’t care about you — they just want to satisfy their needs and have picked up, a stranger, out to do it. (Lucky you!) As you have said, You have NOTHING In common. Clearly! But their objective isn’t a chat, or relationship, but the end game.
They are not your firends. THey are predators who have identified you as a low hanging fruit, easy mark, prey, etc. Treat them accordingly.
A “Sir, that is not appropriate.” or “You’re old enough to be my grandfather. Ill pass along your availability to some of my grandmother’s friends” or a simple “Thank you, but I am not interested” does the trick.
Avoiding eye contact, looking busy, just makes you appear like an easy mark, like an insecure, shy girl they could get if they persisted obnoxiously enough. Instead, look them square in the eye, be confident, and strong, and tell them, politely, and cofindetly that you are not interested. REtain your profesionalsim. Don’t look intimidated or that you are inclined to be nice and feel sorry for them.
Evoking pity is a key strategy used cy sociopaths and predators. Save your pity and compassion for people who deserve lit — like an abused child or a homeless person…not some random, arrogant man targeting you for sex.
I an not sure these men are socially disablle…because A LOT of them do this….And there are entitre web sites set up encouraging men to do this…to get up the nerve to approach women in public….not caring whether you are interested or not or whether you have the time….THese sites tell them, “You may be wanting to touch her breasts, but don’t let her know this…Act interested in who she is.” THe interest is hard to feign as you have nothing in common with these men, nor they with you….They are pathetic losers who want one thing and are relying on poor advice to get it.
Your job is to protect YOU…not to spare the feelings of a sex predator or just some random man who thinks a random woman he has put in his scopes is obligated to give him sex and/or a relationship…or to have to indulge him while he used up your precious time to make his case on why you should give him a chance…You are not the only one he is doing this…It’s a numbers game for these creeps…and the reason he is picking you is that he senses he has a chance/you are vulnerable/too nice…and he is going to try the numbers game until one of you gives in….The moment you do..you will regret it.
Be confident….be direct…Problem solved. If not, call the authorities. Men who are writing the stupid advice columns about how men should approach wojmen in pbulic should stear them to women’s sites instead. Men give awful advice on how to pick up women. Women want to be treated as people, not picked up…..We have more on our minds than hoping to serve as a sperm receptable for some random sexually desperate man….Sorry, but thats how some of your treat us….and how you come across…which is why we reject you time and time again….
April 25, 2015 at 4:07 pm
Mary
I just tell them to fuck off, frankly. When I used to “let them down easy,” they would persist and enlist their old age male friends to help them and then stalk me en masse, asking for my phone number, name, trying to find anything on my person — a book, piece of clothing, whatever to give them something to work with.
A fat old man once decided I was the woman for him since we saw each other at the same restaurant – or rather I was minding my own business and he was feeling sociable….and so he would come by, make what he thought to be ice breakers – ie, cheesy lines, and make a pest of himself.
I finally told him to please stop.
He scurried away, cautiously studied me the next few times he saw me, and then apologized.
I accepted his apology and we exchanged names — he then decided that we were friends and tried all sort of openers on me, which became difficult to refute since we had introduced ourselves…He would ask me to watch his bags, dive under the table to collect a coin he thought I might have dropped there so he could get it for me, and just stared at me like a lost puppy.
My response? Cold, frigid ignore.
He was looking for any opening..and I knew the moment he got it, he would talk my ear off, invade my space, impose his “friendship” on me, sap my time, energy, joy, and just be an outright pain. He persisted as if I were some sort of conquest.
I avoided eye contact, responded to his eager waves with indifference, no reaction. I gave him nothing to go on.
He eventually gave up…and sadly returned to his fat old men friends…until he learned my next destination. Then he decided again…to stage “accidental run ins” — again running past my table and waving feverishly with a “hiiiiiiii”
Again, no reaction. I don’t know this man and don’t want to know this man.
One of his fat old man friends even gave me an email inviting me to volunteer with him. I sent him an email back telling him I wasn’t interested in socializing with old men, and that he should pursue activities within his own age group. He never came by again.
I used to be nice, but that only encourages them…
Recently there was a buffet held at my office for a group that had booked the room. A nice, smiley old man offered me a plate of food. I declined…He insisted…I still declined. He then said he’d bring me food later.
The following week he arrived with a sandwich he had made himself along with books of interest he thought I might enjoy….
Just a nice guy, right? I had a decent conversation, thinking this old man who is old enough to be my granddad is just being sociable….
Now every other day he shyly meanders by and asks if he can talk. “How can I help you.” I ask…He asks if I am busy? If course I am..and he says he will come by another time. Looks to me like he’s on a mission to get up the courage to ask me out….We really have NO REASON to talk, and NOTHING in common….
If he were an old man at the church, I might sit with him to talk about books for a few minutes…but now I have to contend with him showing up all over the place and at random times hoping to strike up a conversation…Since I was so nice at hello, it’s hard to be rude for no reason..when all he wants is to be sociable and hasn’t done anything yet…but I know the drill…I have been down this road before….
Same old men, forgetting they are far past their prime, hitting on girls young enough to be their daughters….”But men do it in Hollywood all the time — you always see old men and young girls,” they said. “Young girls prefer and want old men.”
I have to remind them, most of these so-called “young girls” are prostitutes looking for their big break in Hollywood, would jump at the opportunity to be with a man their own age, and frankly find the idea of being with an old man, disgusting….but something they must do in order to survive….since he can offer a house, money, material things she coudl not otherwise get on her own. In other words, she is a gold digger…. A woman of integrity, substance, and who is true to herself is not genuinely going to want an old goat for a partner. The sooner old men realize this, the better….
Frankly, if I were an old woman, I wouldn’t want 9/10 of the old men either. They get more ornery, perverted, gross with age. Instead of growing wise, they get gross, smell of urine, lose their teeth and hair, their skin sags, and their mind falls into dementia. Few are wise, interesting, attractive…even if they were, they are still old enough to be dad or granddad, so, no thanks.
They had their chance at being young…Now they need to accept old age with grace. i don’t take pity on them as they know exactly what they are doing…and see me asa little more than a young object who can fulfill their fantasies whatever they happen to me..while I am busy living in reality and building a life that has already passed them by. What possible life can you have with an old man? To be his caretaker until the grim reaper arrives? Generally he is too old for kids or would be dead by the time they hit high school or college. You can’t grow old with him as he is already old….and ready for the grave….
Ugh…Anyway, I feel for you, girl. Be strong, tell the old git to buzz off. I do. They need a dose of reality!