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filthy_bannerA couple weeks ago, Jewish Friend and I had a lovely lunch downtown. I walked to her work, and we got an overpriced sandwich made by farmers and cheesemongers, then walked back. It was on the walk back that I man in a black SUV slowed his car down, rolled down the window, yelled “Hey, can you help me with this?”, and when we looked, waggled his penis at us. It may have been a fake penis as it was semi-turgid, but I’m not a good judge of that because penises out of context always look fake to me.

Jewish Friend immediately called the police with a report of harassment and a description of the vehicle with plate number, the driver, and which direction he was headed. The police seemed baffled that we had so much information, but Jewish Friend explained, “He was practically stopped, he wanted us to see it.”

About a week later, I was going for a run with Joe Roch and we saw two people having sex in the park a couple hundred yards away from a play area full of children. It was one of those situations where at first you’re like: “Is that that man’s ass? Is he humping a pillow? Is there a person under there? Oh my god, is that two people having sex? Did he just snap off a condom?!?”

We went for a three mile run, and when we came back, the people were still there sitting under the sex tree, the woman looking decidedly out of it. So Joe called the police, told them there were people having sex in the park then quickly changed shirt and glasses so we could watch inconspicuously and see what happened. The police talked to the couple for a long while, and then ended up talking the woman away, while the man left on his own.

The thing that I wonder—two things, really—Is it the heat or something? Why is there so much unwanted and inappropriate sexual innuendo in my life right now? Also, if you’re the police, what in the world do you say to two people who you just got a report of having sex in the park? For that matter, what do you say when you pull over a black SUV with Massachusetts plate #33VF80 on suspicion that the driver waggled his penis at two well-dressed young ladies? Is that something you learn in the police academy, or purely instinctual?

Because things happen in threes (except elebrity deaths these days), I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’m going to be constantly on edge, waiting for someone to find a way to be naked, nearly naked, or sexually inappropriate within my eyeline.  I’m not a prude, I just don’t understand it and prefer not to think about it, but when it’s waggling at you, you can’t help but think of it.