I’m getting the winter hair. Pair that with the librarian hair– and you’ve got one gnarly mop-top requiring a lot of product just to look passable. When I leave the house in the morning, it looks just fine; but after a day in the dry, dry, dry library air– my curl says “ohforfuck’ssake”, and flattens out; the static blossoms and grows on my hair like a fungus; and what was previously straight gets a strange, inexplicable kink to it like I’ve had my hair in a ponytail all day.

I’m not completely surprised by this since it happens every year, but I thought maybe the New England maritime climate would lessen it, maybe it has, but now I’m spending more time in dry libraries and overheated classrooms so I’m slowly turning into one of those dried out corncob dolls the Ingalls girls used to play with.

So, how do I deal with this? In past years, I’ve cut my hair short– eliminating the problem; I’ve employed an elaborate regiment of conditioners and cremes; I’ve washed my hair every other day instead of daily (which I can’t stand doing and will not try again); and I’ve cut it slightly shorter and just waited for more humid weather so it could grow back. Currently, I can neither afford an elaborate regiment of cremes and conditioners, nor can I afford a haircut.

As far as I can see, my options are to use household methods i.e. eggs, mayonnaise, beer etc. as conditioners. The drawbacks to these are obvious: you smell like either a sandwich or a brewery, and you have to put cold, slimy, and fizzy things on your head (also, waste of beer). The other option is to cut it myself a’la Natalie Imbruglia in the Torn video where she had that super-rad hank of hair on the side that made her look nonchalantly amazing.

I wouldn’t mind looking nonchalantly amazing, but I’m not heart-stoppingly beautiful like Ms. Imbruglia, so there’s a good chance that I would look like an asshole. I don’t mind looking a little silly sometimes, but I’d rather not be ridiculous.

Also, there’s the problem of my wardrobe. As I get further and further into librarian chic, I wind up looking quasi-respectable, and I kind of like it. A funky home-haircut would confuse what I have going on– possibly. I also fear turning into a hipster librarian since I don’t care for hipsters in the first place, and hipster librarian is right up there with the question “what do you do in library school, memorize the dewey decimal system?!?” guffaw guffaw guffaw, possible knee slap– as things I’ve heard too much recently, and do not care for.

Presently, I do not know what I’ll do. I may try to raise the humidity level in my apartment by boiling pots of water on the stove, and I may crack an egg or two. Probably, I’ll just wait it out, and avoid mirrors until Spring.

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