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I have never lived in LA or New York or the glamorous places people in movies always flock to to pursue their dreams. I have lived in the Midwest my entire life. In the “sensible” part of the country where nobody is “too much” and if they are, you certainly dont talk about it. Because of the sensibility of this region, I have seen very little plastic surgery, also because of the sensibility (presumably) I have seen very little bad plastic surgery.

Plastic surgery fascinates me. I love watching Plastic Surgery Before and After, When Plastic Surgery Goes Wrong, Dr. 90210, and Nip/Tuck even though it’s fake. The day I gave up the Discovery Health Channel was a dark one for me. Most people who know me know this and may or may not be disturbed by it, but regardless, simply because of the sheer number of plastic surgery procedures I have watched over the years, I think I can consider myself a bit of an expert in sniffing out what people have had done.

My self-appointed expert status really has nothing to do with this anecdote because the woman who inspired it is so poorly enhanced that anyone could tell. I waited on her at the coffee shop yesterday and may have actually jumped a little when I got a look at her. This woman had the scary face. The one that makes you quietly lean over to the catty girl next to you and hiss “look at her _____?” I’d put her age at about 50; the age she’s trying for is 26. She’s very blonde, very tanned, very aerobicized, shes also had a very botched eye job, a nose job, and possibly a mid-face lift. She’s also one of those women who are constantly running around in workout clothes. This begs the question: What is the point of trying so hard (working out) and paying so much (plastic surgery) to look good, if you dress like youre at the gym all the time?

Sure her workout clothes are “outfits” and “coordinated” but they’re still fucking workout clothes. They exist for one purpose and to try to plug them into other areas of your life does not work. Much like my undergrad rage at the fat girls who would come to class in pajamas and pull their backpacks along the ground on the wheeled luggage things; women in workout clothes are my new teeth-clencher. I don’t go to the movies in a ball gown, why go to the coffee house in your sweats? This was not an isolated incident, by the way, I saw her at the coffee shop yesterday, and then today at Target both times in workout clothes. Similar, but different outfits. The first time was not a fluke; just like the class pajama-wearers, this is a behavior.

This is a behavior dictated solely by the need for comfort. The reason you don’t see people at the movies in ball gowns is because ball gowns are not comfortable (and other reason not to be gotten into here). Is this a Midwestern thing, where no one is expected to show off, so people regress in completely the opposite direction? Who needs to be that comfortable all the time? I personally don’t want to be so comfortable that I could fall asleep at any second. I don’t want to have the option of being able to go the gym on a whim just because I’m dressed for it.

Jeans are comfortable, and you don’t look like an asshole.