When I get asked out by a creepy library patron, my default response is to say that I have a boyfriend. Even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I would probably say that because it seems to be the only way to tell an inappropriate and usually far too old man that not only are you not interested, but you have something else going on in that area of your life already. The problem is, every time I say it, I feel frustrated with myself and think that there must be an equally good way to tell a gross old man to fuck off, without feeling anti-feminist.
In the case of the gentleman (16 years older than me, looks homeless but may not be) who presented me with a single pink rose on Valentine’s Day that he obviously bought at CVS and asked, “Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?” I wanted to say “No, I would not.” I mentally wrestled with myself before I answered him and sighed heavily before finally saying, “I have a boyfriend.”
Somehow, it seems more rude to reject them outright without having a valid (in their eyes) reason. Just saying, “No I don’t want to have coffee with you” is like me rejecting them as a person even though in actuality I can think of about a million things I would rather do than even be next to these men in the line at Dunkin Donuts. I do reject them as people because I know that we would have nothing in common, I’m not interested in the slightest, and I’m not accepting new friends at this point in my life.
Unfortunately, playing the boyfriend card on my previous library stalker didn’t deter him from spending far too much time trapping me in conversation, giving me his phone number and writing a letter to my boss about my exceptional customer service that prompted her to ask me ‘Who is this guy?” So even my go-to doesn’t even work as well as it should.
Perhaps what I need is to just stop thinking of these guys as people and just be rude to them. How do other ladies deal with unwanted advances? Is there a magic phrase, or is it case-by-case? My stunt ring may have worked at my other job, but I haven’t worn it yet at my new places, and really am sick of having to take that tactic.
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February 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm
Bonnie
I don’t think it’s rude to say “I’m sorry, no.” and just leave it at that. I’ve had to say that and be blunt (which isn’t rude) and then rude, if pushed – because honestly, I’ve been situations where I really didn’t feel safe saying “I’m sorry, I’m a lesbian”. Even when people ask “Do you have a boyfriend”. I’ve had to say “I’m sorry, I’m at work and that’s none of your business.”
Not rude. Totally reasonable. We shouldn’t have to be “on call” to have to answer about our personal lives all the time, and definitely not at work.
February 16, 2012 at 4:13 pm
Allison W. Cone
Hmm…well, one viable option when it’s a patron (or co-worker) is:
“That would be an ethics violation and would put my continued employment here in jeopardy.”
The ethics violation my simply be your own ethics not an actual mandate from your employer – saying “an ethics violation” isn’t a lie if going out with the person violates your person ethics (which include personal taste).
Also, the concept of accepting the invitation possibly putting your “continued employment in jeopardy” – well, that may be a bit more of a stretch but if for even a nanosecond the thought that you’d rather lose your job than go out with them – that justifies it.
If you want to throw them a bone, you could preface the refusal with “While appreciate the offer…”
February 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Melanie Makin
I’d be careful with that one, Allison; the overeager may interpret that to mean “Oh, I’d love to, but my employer won’t allow it. Stupid workplace policy.” I never really found a way around this issue myself; despite having both a (real) engagement and wedding ring I still found myself asked out by the clueless. A confident but kind “No, thank you” may be the way to go- you’ve rejected the advance, but are still more than pleased to serve them in your professional capacity exactly as before.
I wonder who these people are doing the asking, as well. Usually the overly persistent ones, in my experience, had mental disabilities (when told that I’m married, one of them replied “That’s ok, I’m not jealous”), and I took this as a bit of license to be very firm to be absolutely sure I was understood. Polite and kind is best if possible, but there are times when it’s completely ok to say “This is not ok and I’m not going to have this conversation with you.”
February 16, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Amanda
I have to admit that I have resorted to using the “I’ll have to ask my husband” card several times. Usually at auto shops when my perfectly valid question or response is not being taken seriously. It is slightly frustrating, though.
February 16, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Spygirl7
“No, thank you.”
Sometimes I think we try to overthink these things. It is a yes-or-no question, after all.
February 16, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Thom
I don’t see how it’s disrespectful of a person to directly and politely state a lack of interest in them.
February 16, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Prudence
I haven’t been asked out in a long time, by any patron, creepy or not. Once you get past a certain age that ceases to be a problem. Please remember that we all get creepy eventually, but we don’t always see ourselves that way. You can never go wrong with kindness.
February 16, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Nate
You could just immediately pepper-spray them in the face. Sure, it’s rude and over-the-top, but they’ll get the message right away.
February 24, 2012 at 4:49 am
Annabelle
Thankfully, I’ve never been outright asked out at work (knock on wood). When things get creepy, my co-workers and I have a plan where someone phones from the back room, so I have to get on with my tasks and the creepy person can just excuse themselves.
That being said, I’ve been propositioned walking down the street a few times and the “I have a boyfriend” thing works perfectly to send them on their way. It’s not anti-feminist, I don’t think, just effective (whether it’s true or not).
April 19, 2012 at 9:20 pm
Lucy
I’ve had this issue too in the library. I politely declined and also hastily added that I had a boyfriend (which is only a “sort of” lie) but I hated having to make an excuse to validate my “no”. Why do women have to give an excuse?